Why women blame other women for being victims of domestic violence

Photo illustration by BRUCE LIPSKY/The Times-Union

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By SARA CONRAD
The Times-Union

“Why do you stay with him?”

It’s a question many people ask victims of domestic abuse. In fact, victim-blaming is so ingrained in our culture, even women who have been previously abused can find themselves sucked into it.

That’s what happened to Catherine Cooper. She was molested as a child, and her sister was murdered by her husband after leaving him. Yet when her daughter revealed to Cooper that she had been enduring years of domestic abuse by her husband, Cooper’s immediate reaction was to wonder why her daughter was “settling” for the abuse.

“I kept trying to get her to do something,” she said. “But she felt helpless and still loved him.”

Cooper said she wanted to call the police, but she thought that would make her daughter’s husband angrier and possibly put her daughter in even more danger. So Cooper said she tried to intervene; she would drive to her daughter’s house whenever she called crying about a fight between her and her husband. What irked Cooper, though, was that by the time she arrived at her daughter’s place, her daughter and husband would be making up.
“I got frustrated and told them to grow up,” said Cooper. “I knew she was stronger than that and I thought, 'How did you let yourself get in this situation and what are you doing to make them treat you like this?’ ”

Laine Reinecke-Clayton, community education manager at Hubbard House, a local shelter for domestic violence victims, believes it’s human nature to blame victims.

It’s especially easy when people don’t know much about domestic violence, Reinecke-Clayton said.

“They think that if they were on a third date and were slapped, they would leave,” she said.

But abusive relationships don’t start with violence, Reinecke-Clayton said. Abusers slowly gain control over their victims by first isolating them in manipulative ways, such as asking them to stay home and spend time with them instead of going out with friends. Over time, the victim’s friends stop reaching out to her. The same kind of manipulation works to push away the victim’s family. Eventually the psychological manipulation turns to physical violence. But by then, the victim has usually been in a relationship with her abuser for a long time.

Sometimes, they are married and have children.

Reinecke-Clayton points out that every situation is different, and it’s hard to judge the decisions a victim makes to survive. But people nonetheless jump to victim-blaming with ease.

Connie Cooper, a local licensed clinical social worker (no relation to Catherine Cooper) believes that is because of most people’s “natural aversion to passivity.” But what victim-blamers often don’t understand is that abusers work to break the victim’s self-esteem. So, while victim-blamers may realize the abuser’s culpability, they will still jump to the conclusion that a women who stays with someone so obviously hurtful must be a fool. But, Reinecke-Clayton says, the very act of day-to-day survival in an abusive relationship shows how smart victims can be.

Women make up 85 percent of domestic violence victims in the U.S., according to the National Coalition of Domestic Violence. So you might think women would be more sympathetic to victims. But what makes the issue particularly tricky for women to understand, said Connie Cooper, is the frustration that comes with the label “victim.”

“The whole women’s movement was to get out of that subservient role, and … you see in domestic violence … that a woman’s power has been taken away,” she said. “I think women in particular are frustrated with that because it shows we still have a long way to go to progress in society.”

Reinecke-Clayton said some women who have escaped abusive relationships might forget how difficult it was for them to leave and now they might look down on women who are struggling to get out of their relationships.
The experts agree that the unfortunate, and perhaps dangerous, consequences of victim-blaming is that it can make it harder for a victim to leave her abuser.

Victims are often selective about whom they will tell about abuse because the experience can be humiliating. If victims feel their family or friends somehow hold them responsible for the relationship, they may be reluctant to ask for help. This can be dangerous because victims almost always need others to help them leave their abuser.

They often either need help in the escape plan, a safe place to stay or someone to watch their children.

Blame can also further erode a victim’s self-esteem, reinforcing the abuser’s psychological manipulation, making it that much harder for the victim to leave.

So how can you support a friend or family member if you think she is being abused? First, try to see the situation from her point of view before you judge. Think about what obstacles might prevent her from leaving her partner. Does she love him? Is he the father of her children? Does he control the finances? These factors can have a much greater impact on a person’s decision to leave than people might think.

Many women stay in an abusive relationship because they think they will be able to better protect their children.

Many women feel they have no one to stay with if they leave because their family has become frustrated with them. Experts say the best way to help is hold back your judgment and be as supportive as possible. Remember that it’s the abuser’s fault.

SIGNS OF ABUSE
A victim of domestic violence exhibits the following behavior, according to Hubbard House:

• Seems afraid or anxious to please her partner
• Checks in often with her partner to report where she is and what she’s doing
• Receives frequent, harassing phone calls from her partner
• Talks often about her partner’s temper, jealousy or possessiveness
• Has frequent injuries, with the excuse of “accidents”
• Frequently misses work, school or social occasions, without explanation
• Dresses in clothing to hide bruises or scars (i.e. wearing sunglasses indoors or long sleeves in warm weather)
• Rarely goes out in public without her partner
• Has limited access to money, credit cards or the car
• Is restricted from seeing family and friends
• Has low self-esteem, even if she used to be confident
• Shows major personality changes (i.e. starts acting withdrawn when usually very outgoing)
• Is depressed, anxious or suicidal

TIPS FOR HELPING VICTIMS

Hubbard House recommends helping by doing the following to offer your support:

• Speak up
• Ask
• Express concern
• Listen and validate
• Support her decision
• Let her know that help is available
• Offer help (i.e. providing them with a Domestic Violence Hotline number (800) 500-1119)

WHAT NOT TO DO

• Wait for her to come to you
• Judge or blame
• Pressure her
• Give advice
• Place conditions on your support